Last month I had an Ah-ha moment when I was trying to get into a class at hapa yoga and it was full. I sat next door in the other empty yoga studio with no music and no one cueing me where to go. I was bummed things didnt go my way. My first instinct was to just go to Starbucks and wait till the next class. Most likely I would spend the hour mindlessly looping through social media. Right then I had that Ah-ha moment. I lead yoga often so why couldn’t I lead myself? Honest truth, I didnt want to be with myself. I didnt want to sit in silence, I didnt want to breathe alone, I didn't want to move alone. It was in that moment I realized how much I have been avoiding being with myself. Despite being alone in my room very often I always have my computer, phone and roommates near by so really I never felt alone.
This is where the real work began. I sat in a dimly lit room in silence, breathing, moving and meditating. I was peaceful and exactly what I needed. I had to stop avoiding myself and the truth I knew I needed to hear. Why do we avoid the stillness? Why do we avoid the silence? Why is it so scary to just BE? Running to people, places and things to sooth the pain silence brings, to find pleasure outside of our selves. What are we avoiding? There is a voice in there that is trying to speak, its trying to speak truth to you. Truth can be a hard pill to swallow so we continue to avoid it and numb through substances, people, you fill in the blank. I have done it all and I dont’ need to list the things because I am sure many have been there too.
In that moment, a little over month ago, I decided to stop avoiding and committed to a meditation practice. I have tried before a few times and it really didnt stick. I dont think I was truly ready and that's ok. I now sit with myself daily. When I am done mediating I see things differently. Have you ever started a new relationship and are super giddy over it? Thats the best way to describe how I feel after meditating. I am giddy without an external reason. As my roommate would say " I turn myself on." Hahah! I just got quiet and it felt SO good. I will write more later about the journey to sitting still and meditating. For right now this is about really recognizing what you are avoiding, is it yourself?